When I was younger, I didn’t like avocados at all. There was something so bland, so weirdly oily about them. But then, as I grew older, I came to appreciate the delightfulness of avocados. Their rich, buttery texture. That creamy feeling in your mouth you get when you eat them.
What I never envisioned, though, was putting avocados into a beverage. I mean, it’s basically like butter. Why would you put butter into a beverage? Well, I guess milkshakes are kind of like that. But avocados, you put them in sandwiches, in guacamole, things like that. Who would’ve thought to put avocados into a beverage? And can you imagine doing something more with it, like, I don’t know, swimming in it?
He had finally done it. Kar-wai, in his spare time from his demanding job as an engineer, had created the Liquefier-Multiplier. Using this machine, he could take any substance, and it would instantly turn it into a liquid. Not only that, it would produce far more liquid than the original solid would have produced otherwise. A blender and a replicator, all in one!
Kar-wai had very few friends. His days consisted of spending long hours at work, then coming home and working on the Liquefier-Multiplier. He had a fascination with machines from an early age, when his father taught him how to build a radio out of transistors he had lying around in the garage. The way he could take what seemed like nothing and turn it into a machine that did something, well, that just blew his mind, harder than any girl would ever blow him.
But now that he was done with his machine, what was he going to do at night in his apartment? He was sitting on his couch pondering this, when he felt a sudden thirst. Then it came to him. He could use the machine on something edible, and turn it into a delicious liquid. But what would he liquefy?
He hunted around his kitchen for something he could shove into his machine to turn into liquid. Fruit or vegetables seemed like a natural choice to liquefy. But as his diet consisted mostly of Pop Tarts and instant ramen, it was going to be difficult to find anything like that in the kitchen. He scanned over the items on his counter. Random take-out boxes he hadn’t thrown out yet. Bottles of soda and beer, half-empty and forgotten. Out of the corner of his eye, he spied a round, brown object. Could that be? An avocado? How did it even get here? A single nugget of life in the kitchen otherwise devoid of vitality. It didn’t matter how it ended up here, this could be the perfect thing to liquefy.
Suddenly, another impulse overcame him. Sex. Kar-wai, deprived of contact with the opposite sex, would sometimes get this sudden urge from his loins. He needed to take care of this one, immediately. No time for less important things like thirst.
Next to his bathtub, he kept some bath salts. He loved to draw himself a bath, submerge himself in the fragrant warm water, and pleasure himself to climax. Nothing felt better than having his entire body engulfed in warm liquid while he stroked himself, imagining that the heat surrounding his naked body was actually a woman’s. But today, he thought that he could indulge a bit and use some liquid other than water to submerge himself during his solo sex play. What better opportunity was there than this to use the Liquefier-Multiplier?
The machine whirred when he switched it on. A bunch of lights on the front were there to display what exactly the contraption was doing. It now sat in idle mode, ready to receive solids in its mouth. He cut the avocado in half and scooped out the pit. The green, buttery flesh inside was screaming to be eaten, but he had to resist the urge. It must be liquefied, Kar-Wai told himself. He scooped out the flesh and shoved it into the feed tube.
The whirring increased. The lights on the front indicated it was going into the Liquefy phase. The counter started to vibrate, as the machine went from Liquefy to Multiply. The replication procedure took Kar-Wai forever to develop. It’s an extremely difficult problem, taking molecules from an object and replicating them using molecules from a different source, like water. The manipulations of such small, microscopic units of matter was something that he thought was only possible in science fiction. But here he was, with his machine in the real world, in his own apartment, multiplying the volume of avocado liquid dozens of times over.
Several minutes passed, and the whirring stopped. The small display on the front of the machine indicated he had 30 gallons of liquid. Thirty gallons from a single avocado! His contraption was a massive success. He could just imagine feeling the thick, green liquid enveloping his body. With the biggest pitcher in his kitchen, he began transferring the thick substance into his bathtub.
After all 30 gallons were in his bathtub, he stripped off his tucked-in shirt and his baggy jeans and white briefs and lowered himself into the green sea of liquid in his bathtub. It was thick like yogurt, buttery like cream. He was getting very excited, his body surface area contacting the liquefied avocado increasing by the minute as his penis increased in length.
With each stroke, the thick liquid would gulp as if a monster were taking breaths beneath the surface. Kar-Wai closed his eyes and imagined an Asian woman on top of him, enveloping his penis with her vagina while she stared into his eyes with her bespectacled face. This is what he imagined what sex with a woman must be like. Completely surrounded in a thick, gloppy liquid, with pressure going back and forth across his penis.
As the blissful feelings of nearing an orgasm increased in his groin area, he couldn’t help but moan a bit. He sank a bit deeper into the avocado, and some of the liquid dribbled into his mouth, open from the pleasurable moans he was vocalizing. The rich, nutty flavor spread throughout his mouth. It was almost too much to bear. Pleasure in his mouth, pleasure from his penis, a thick substance enveloping his body, what more could a guy ask for? Well, an actual woman. But that’s hard.
The time had come for the orgasm, and, try as he might, he just couldn’t stop stroking himself before going past the point of no return. The convulsions commenced, and he shot his load into the bath, his body spasming multiple times. The white, milky fluid floated up to the surface, creating a small pool of whiteness in a sea of green. He felt drained, as if the life force had been sucked out of him through his penis and was trapped in the semen floating in the bathtub.
Just then, he had that feeling of post-coital regret, without the actual coitus. Here he was, in a vat of green avocado liquid, pleasuring himself, alone. His penis was limp and his own semen was floating in front of him. How disgusting was that? Now his bathtub was covered in this thick substance, and so was he. And he was still as lonely as ever.
Kar-Wai rinsed himself off before going to bed, satisfied that his experiment had succeeded, but still unhappy that he didn’t have that special woman to share his Liquefier-Multipier with. Oh the things they could liquefy and multiply together, if only someone would give him the chance.
Hmm that story ended up being strangely homoerotic. And quite gross. I don’t know why I do these things to myself. Anyway, here’s the recipe.
Avocado Milk
1 ripe avocado
1.5 cups milk
1.5 tablespoons honey
Scoop out the flesh of the avocado and place it in to a blender along with the milk and honey, and blend until smooth.
You can, of course, adjust the honey to taste. You’ll probably want to drink this the day of, or it might start turning brown.
I was skeptical when I first tried this. Avocado, with a sweetener? But somehow, it works. The richness of the avocado goes well with the slight sweetness of the honey. It’s like a thick milkshake, with that fresh, slightly grassy flavor of avocado.