A few weeks ago, I was reading this interesting article about emotional manipulation of women. In the article, the author describes “gaslighting,” which in its most serious form is psychological abuse. But the article is about the less serious forms that happen to regular people every day.
As I read the article, I realized that it’s not just women who are victims of gaslighting; it’s really anyone who’s sensitive. And as a sensitive man, I totally recognize some of these situations the author describes. I think he best sums it up with this explanation:
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.
How many times has this happened to you? I can’t count the number of times when someone said something to hurt my feelings (which usually is something the person did not intend to be hurtful), to which I then reacted, and then that same person said something like “Relax” or “Calm down” to dismiss my feelings. As if I’m having some abnormal reaction to their hurtful comment. The person shouldn’t have said the hurtful thing in the first place. Who are they to say anything about how I should react? They’re my feelings.
It makes me sad to realize how much I let this happen. But the truth is, it’s incredibly hard to step back in the heat of the moment, realize it’s happening, and talk yourself out of the negative feelings. Because you’re a sensitive person, when the gaslighting is happening, all you focus on (or at least all I can focus on) is those negative feelings of frustration or anger, and then the person’s attempt to dismiss those feelings as being invalid, which just makes it worse. It’s difficult in these emotional moments to really convince yourself that it’s their problem, not yours. You’re allowed to have a reaction, to feel your feelings, without getting criticized for them.
So, how do you get over this gaslighting thing? Well, if it were easy to find one single solution, I’m sure there wouldn’t be multiple books written about it. I suppose the first step is to recognize that it’s happening. Just reading this article made me realize that it does happen to me, and there’s a term for it. And I’m not alone. But then what? Confront the person? Odds are, they’re not doing it on purpose. They just have a need for power, and they satisfy that need by manipulating your emotions. And then, being a gaslighter, they’re likely to make you feel guilty about confronting them, calling you oversensitive, saying you’re overreacting. Or maybe not, maybe they will recognize that their own behavior is harmful. So in conclusion… it’s a hard situation to be in. I wish I could offer a solution.