I have never personally tried non-alcoholic beer, because, well, it seems like one of the most ridiculous ideas ever. Now I don’t like the taste of beer. Some people may actually like it. But why would you want to drink beer with no alcohol in it? It seems like the alcohol is the only point of drinking beer. Are there actually people who like the taste of beer enough to drink non-alcoholic beer? I’m guessing there must be, or else these companies wouldn’t keep putting out non-alcoholic beer.
I’m having trouble imagining how on earth someone came up with the idea to remove the alcohol from beer, while still leaving the taste of it. Oh wait, maybe I can imagine it…
Giles was sitting in his flat, sipping a beer. Being a thin, lanky British man, he was quite the lightweight. One beer, and he was buzzed. So on this fine Saturday afternoon, he was sipping a beer, against his better judgment. A chemist on the weekdays, he loved to unwind on the weekends, far away from his laboratory. He wished that he wouldn’t get intoxicated so easily. Giles was quite the chatterbox when he had knocked back a few. It had led to some rather embarrassing situations.
As he was sipping his beer, Giles had no idea that there was a pretty young lady strolling down the street right by his flat. Her name was Victoria. Having recently moved to London to start her new job as an interior decorator, she really had a difficult time finding her way around the city. She happened upon Giles’s flat, which seemed so warm and inviting with the welcome mat in front and the beautiful flowers on the windowsill. Victoria really needed to find her way to the train station so she could meet her hot friend, Elizabeth. She was desperate. So she gathered up her courage and knocked on Giles’s door, hoping she wouldn’t find a crazy axe murderer who would brutally rape her multiple times with sharp objects and then kill her in broad daylight.
Victoria was pleasantly surprised to find this nice young man open the door for her. But why did he seem sleepy? It was only three in the afternoon. “Hi! I’m a bit lost, and I was hoping you could direct me,” she said.
“Oh surrree, come on in!” said Giles, slurring his words a bit. Victoria, a bit apprehensive, walked into his flat. He gestured towards the couch, where she sat down. It’s light out, how could she possibly get raped here? Plus, the guy was kind of hot. Victoria was into the nerdy type.
Giles brought over two glasses of iced tea. He handed one to Victoria, and she sipped it slowly. Giles was downing his iced tea rather quickly, dehydrated from the beer he just drank. She took comfort in the fact that he was drinking the same iced tea as her, making it much less likely that he had spiked her drink with something. As Giles chugged his iced tea, Victoria couldn’t help but notice his toned arms holding the glass. His fitted jeans revealed some nice calves and a generous package. She was strangely excited by the sight of him drinking his tea. It also helped that she was a nymphomaniac.
Now Giles, somewhat intoxicated, also noticed how attractive Victoria was. She was wearing a nice, flowery sun dress that revealed quite a bit of her fair skin. The dress seemed so easy to take off, he thought. He could just see the buttons he needed to unbutton to get that garment off of her. Of course, it helped that he was a guy, and he would really screw any girl that was remotely attractive.
The tension between them was palpable. They were staring into each other’s eyes, undressing each other shamelessly. Soon, they could no longer control their animal urges. Victoria leapt onto him, knocking his glass out of his hand. Thankfully, the soft carpet absorbed the fall, and neither of them heard the sound of glass shattering. She quickly ripped open his button-down shirt and tore it off his body. Before he was even able to catch his breath, she unbuckled his belt buckle and yanked it off his waist. His pants were soon on the floor, followed immediately by his underwear. He was sitting naked in his leather chair. How did this happen?
Usually, Giles was quite conservative. He would never think of even kissing a woman on the first date, much less having sex with her. But here he was, naked in front of a complete stranger that he had barely said two words to. It must be the alcohol. It must.
Victoria didn’t even give Giles the chance to take her dress off. In ninja-like fashion, she unbuttoned all the necessary buttons to get the dress off of her. Maybe it was because he was drunk, but it seemed like her bra and panties just flew off of her like doves taking off after a bang. Her naked body was on top of his, their bodies writhing like two snakes trying to confuse each other. The lust between them was obvious. If someone else were standing in the room with them, he wouldn’t have even tried to join in with them. It seemed like nothing could tear their bodies apart.
It had barely been a minute since the writhing started when Victoria’s vagina was wetter than her eyes after watching The Notebook. And she had bawled during that movie. Her fluids were getting all over Giles’s groin, which Giles’s precum had already lubricated quite well. It was like an oil slick down there. There was nowhere for his penis to go but straight into her vagina. The fit was just right. Victoria was tightly wrapped around Giles’s member. They were both in heaven. Neither of them had experienced pleasure quite close to this.
Their tongues swatted at each other as they kissed deeply and passionately. It was as if they had been lovers for years, not minutes. After some time had passed, they were both nearing climax. Their moans had grown more audible, their thrusting more urgent. Had the leather chair’s legs not been made of quality wood, it surely would have collapsed by now. Victoria tossed her head back in pleasure. She caught a glimpse of the ceiling fan. Why did the fan blades look like flat penises to her? She must have penis on the brain. Giles didn’t even have time to think about vaginas like Victoria was thinking about penises. He was getting so close to orgasm that he could no longer take it. As he passed the point of no return, he let out a loud, primal moan and shot his semen into her. As his hot cum filled her up, Victoria simultaneously reached her climax. Her vagina convulsed so much she thought that she might twist up anything inside of it. The warm waves of pleasure went all through her body, from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. She collapsed in a heap on top of him, completely spent.
A couple of hours later, they woke up, still naked. His cum had fell out onto his stomach and dried. What just happened? Giles couldn’t believe what he had just done. Unprotected sex! With a stranger! What if she wasn’t on birth control? What if she had STIs? What had he done?
It was the beer. The beer was to blame. That one bottle could have caused him to do something with life-altering consequences. He panicked. He just couldn’t take care of a child right now. He couldn’t face the shame of getting treated for an STI. His mind was racing. How could he possibly prevent this tragedy from occurring again?
It came to him more quickly than he had come with Victoria. He needed a way to enjoy his beer without losing his judgment. He needed to take the alcohol out of the beer. Giles quickly got dressed and shooed Victoria out of his flat after she had hastily put on her clothes. She never did get those directions to the train station.
He hurried to his lab, where he took some beer out of the fridge. Chemists love keeping beer in the fridge, even at the workplace. He poured some beer into an Erlenmeyer flask and turned on his Bunsen burner. Through his extensive training in chemistry, he knew that alcohol had a lower boiling point than water. All he had to do was boil off the alcohol, without boiling the beer itself. Giles stuck his thermometer into the flask. Eighty-two degrees Celsius, it said. That should be hot enough for the alcohol to have boiled off. He turned off the Bunsen burner and then put the flask into an ice bath. He poured himself a glass (actually, a beaker) of his altered beer. It tasted like beer! But without the alcohol. He had done it. He could now drink as much as he wanted without getting drunk. No more having unprotected sex with random strangers!
Perhaps this story is a bit exaggerated. I mean, who wouldn’t be able to find their way to the train station in London, with all the signs everywhere?
If I liked the taste of beer, I would probably really like the idea of non-alcoholic beer. It’s sort of like having sugar-free sugary drinks, except without weird chemicals, hopefully. Well, maybe one day I’ll actually try it instead of poking fun at it…